I Can't Believe It

I decided to keep taking horse lessons partly because actually when I thought about not riding anymore it seemed sad and partly because I can’t think of another thing that costs money that I’d rather do. Tuesday it got warm and there was mud everywhere and especially on Chip but it was ok I never mind grooming.

My lesson was good I think Taylor had to tell me a few times to move with the horse because sometimes when I am trying to steer I forgot about that but she seemed like she was in a good mood so that was good. After the lesson she asked me if I would mind sharing my lesson time with someone else and I said I guess so I wasn’t sure and she said it would cost less because I would get her divided attention which could be good because then I bet mom would give me the cost difference. I said that was probably ok. She said good and that the other person would be Chad he’s helping her with a horse who is especially fearful of new people and has gotten to trust Taylor but no one else and she says needs more exposure to other horses and riders.

So now I am excited and nervous at the same time because on one hand it seems like everything is coming together and I am just spending more and more time with Chad. It makes me wonder if it is happening for a reason? But then also I am kind of scared about it because means he will see me ride and I’m not that good! I got home and I couldn’t help it I called Annette and told her and it was just like she was last semester she was so excited and happy for me which makes me think sometimes I’m making it up when I think she’s in a bad mood.

This post got long

I’ve been walking by Wendy and Kyle’s house every day trying to figure out if I can “run into” Kyle without making it a big deal. That didn’t work, but it made me think of the fall when Chloe was a pup and Kyle was inventing little outdoor projects so he could be outside when we walked past and have an excuse to pet her.

The house has been silent every time I walk by. I wanted to have my talk with Kyle alone. I have nothing against Wendy, and actually I give her full points for calling me out. Still, I felt both Kyle and I would talk easier knowing no one was listening. So today I decided an indirect course of action was not going to work. I waited until I knew Wendy would be at her horse lesson and rang the doorbell. Gauge barked and I could hear him sniffing around on the other side of the door, but I got no answer. I waited a few minutes and rang again. I tried the door. It was unlocked. I said hello to Gauge and went in.

I’d never been in Kyle’s room, but I knew which one it was. The door was shut. I thought that was a bad sign. I wouldn’t have thought Kyle would want to shut Gauge out of his room in any normal circumstances. I knocked and Kyle said, “Go away.” That was a relief. I admit I’d started to have visions of empty prescription bottles.

I said I’d like to talk to him and he made no response. I said it was his decision if he wanted to never see me again but I wanted to explain a few things first.

The door opened, and Kyle stood there. He looked taller than he does when we’re outside or working on a job. His room was dark and smelled like teenaged boy. I was relieved when he walked into the living room and sat down, looking at me with this expression like he couldn’t figure out what I was doing there.

I went off on some long thing about my girls and feeling bad about being an inadequate father to them and how that had caused me to distance myself from my new friends here. I went on for a while and he stared at me. I ran out of things to say. He said, “I found my dad.”

I suppose there are things he might have said that would have surprised me more, but I can’t think of one off the top of my head. I asked him what he meant.

He started talking and once he got going he couldn’t seem to stop. He told me he’s always had a crush on the girl who’s porch I repaired and he made a move and she rejected him because while she likes him a lot she likes someone else more. He said it riled him up and made him feel like there must be something about him that kept people from loving him. He came home feeling like he had to talk to his dad. He confessed he’d already been using this internet search function to work on building a list of the phone numbers of every person in the country with his dad’s name. He waited until his mom was asleep, then started calling the numbers.

It took him two nights and he had to shift to listings under his dad’s middle name. He woke a lot of people up and got a lot of angry responses. If he didn’t get an answer, he called back later.

He got his dad on the phone around 3am this morning. He woke him up, of course, but he said he recognized the voice immediately. His dad was confused at first but got up and Kyle could hear him moving through a house and closing doors. He didn’t sound happy but didn’t hang up. After he got settled in another room he said, “So what’s up?”

Kyle said all he wanted was to know why he left. His dad had no trouble explaining. He said he woke up one day and realized he didn’t recognize himself, that he’d put so much into being a husband and a father he’d forgotten everything about who he really was. He said he didn’t want to live that way, so he left.

Kyle asked if he thought maybe now that he’d had a break, he could go back to being a father a little bit. The guy didn’t hesitate. He said no, he didn’t think so, and he had to get up for work in the morning so had better get back to bed.

By the time Kyle was done with the story, he was crying. I didn’t know what to say. I told him I was sorry and if his dad was that much of a piece of work he’d probably done the best thing for them by leaving them clean and easy. Now Kyle had his answer, he could maybe move on with his life.

Kyle wiped his eyes and nodded. I said I wouldn’t tell his mom, but he should consider the fact she’s never received child support. I said a man can be a jerk and leave his old life behind, and you can’t stop him, but he has a legal obligation to the family he started. Now Kyle knows his dad’s number, a lawyer could track him down. Kyle said he’d think about it.

I said I needed to get home, but I was going to be wrapping up the basement job this weekend, if he wanted to join me. He said he’d come.

Am I Wrong or is This a Big Deal?

Travis invited me to a family function this weekend. It is his sister’s kid’s third birthday and they are having a bit of a bash. He said he’d love it if I came with him. His family lives in a little town (littler than this one, which is hard to imagine, actually) about fifteen minutes away. His mom is a rural vet who handles everything from rabbits to sheep, but no true livestock, whatever that means, and his dad does something that has to do with drilling massive holes under freeways. All I know is his job description includes the word “boring” and I find it very hard not to make a pun every time it comes up.

At any rate, he brought this up like it was no big deal. To me it seems like a big deal. Isn’t meeting the family a large step? Isn’t it a larger step when the family is close-knit and harmonious? Isn’t it a larger larger step when the event where the meeting will take place is small and intimate? I couldn’t think of a single viable reason to say no when he brought it up. (He is well aware by this point that I don’t have a life.) So I said yes and now I must admit it is freaking me out a little for reasons I can’t entirely explain. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am not exactly adept when it comes to socializing. And I like him. And he loves his family. If I drop too many convo-bombs at the kiddie party it might be the end of Travis and me.

I'm So Nervous

It is so strange knowing my writing is in the paper today! After Kyle left for school I took Gauge and walked down to the super market because I just couldn’t help myself. I looked at the stack of papers and my heart was just pounding. I picked one up and thumbed through it and I found my column easily because I knew what page it was going to be on. There it was, under the headline, “Turnpost Mom: Advice on Parenting and Life in General.”

I have to say I don’t think my first column is brilliant. I don’t think my boss does either. I guess I haven’t said much about my boss. It is actually strange, because he is younger than I am and maybe gay? At any rate, he has a lot on his mind other than me, which is fine in my opinion. He did have a lot to say about the writing in my first column. Well, not to say. He just emailed me a document that almost gave me a heart attack when I opened it because there was so much red in the margins. I had to have Kyle show me how to get rid of all the stuff he put in there later. But actually his advice was helpful. It was all about rephrasing sentences so they are shorter and more direct, and leaving out words I don’t need like “really” and “pretty.” (Which I use a lot, now that I am paying attention.) I am hopeful there will be less for him to critique on my second attempt.

I bought three copies of the paper because more would have seemed strange. I won’t keep a physical copy of every one of my columns, probably, but this is the first one so it seems like a special occasion!

Now it is strange thinking about all the people who may or may not see what I wrote. I keep wondering, “Is anyone reading it right now?” It’s going to be hard not to be completely distracted at all day.

Desperate times

call for desperate measures.