Friends and Horses

What is weird about not being best friends with Annette anymore is that it is not weird at all. Lunch was the main thing I was worried about but actually it is so much nicer now. I never realized how much of talking to Annette is actually just listening to her talk and agreeing with her, but now that Renee is Annette’s new best friend I can hear how I must have sounded before.

Jackie and Courtney are really pretty nice although sometimes Jackie sits with James and when that happens me and Courtney just talk quietly a little bit while we eat. Courtney is actually kind of shy and I know hardly anything about her even though I’ve been sitting with her at lunch every day for a year which is weird. Today Annette had something she wanted to do in the library before the end of lunch break and she told Renee to go with her so they left and Jackie was with James and so there we were just Courtney and I. It was so nice we just had a normal conversation.

Chad drove me to Taylor’s again because the horse he has been riding hasn’t sold so we are still having our lesson together and he showed me a new horse there named Moose that belongs to the guy that fixed our porch! Also, Kyle’s mom is riding that horse now instead of Chip so that’s funny.

After the lesson Taylor told me Chip is going to be free on Tuesdays now and if I want to I can ride twice a week: on Tuesdays I’d ride with Kyle’s mom on Casey’s horse so it would be cheaper like when I ride with Chad. I said I’d have to ask my mom but maybe. The number one thing I’m really worried about for the summer is I don’t know how I will be able to see Chad. Once Taylor sells the horse he’s riding I won’t have lessons with him anymore and no school too will mean no Chad. If I rode at Taylor’s twice a week I might see him sometimes but really it’s no guarantee because lessons are always in the afternoon and Chad always does stalls in the morning I have always known that but I always hope to see him anyway. So I don’t know I’m not sure if my mom would let me anyway.

And what’s funny about Chad is even though I know now for sure that he doesn’t like me except as a friend I’m still as in love with him as ever. But it is different now I just like being with him without hoping he will start to like me back. I guess it’s better I don’t know but anyway it is not as confusing.

Starting to be Summer

Last week was so weird Annette didn’t invite me over a single time. And this weekend she never called or invited me over or anything. I know it is for the best and I am happy I have Liv because otherwise it would be back like it was when I didn’t have any friends for a while. Of course I didn’t invite Annette over either and maybe if I had she would have come I don’t know.

On Saturday I went to the park with Liv and Kyle and we had all three dogs and played games with them and it was fun but then it started raining. I was completely wet by the time I got home.

Today Chad and I had our lesson at Taylor’s and the horse Chad has been riding has really calmed down a lot. Chad’s been having basically no trouble with it the last few rides and Taylor told us today she’s going to put it on the market which means it could sell any day or not. Taylor wants Chad to keep riding it once a week until it does sell but now I don’t know how many more Chad lessons I’ll have it seems like everything is changing.

School is almost out which I’m happy and sad for at the same time. I’m happy because school is a lot of work and the summer is always fun but I’m sad because I like my classes and I have a lot of people now who are kind of my friends because I sit next to them but they aren’t people I have a chance to talk to except in school I’ll miss them.

Time Online

I think I might be addicted to aol instant messenger. I have been on it so much lately. Mostly I talk to Liv and Kyle. It is actually interesting because Kyle doesn’t really talk very much in general but online he seems a lot more like a normal person. He’s still Kyle of course but I guess you can’t really chat without saying anything lol.

Also Liv introduced me to another friend of hers whose name is Sara and she is really nice too even though I haven’t met her for real. They both go to that private high school in Ridge Rapids. I always thought those kids were snobby but maybe not. Sara is nice but Liv is absolutely cool. She is so funny I never know what she is going to say but she is the exact opposite of Annette in about a million ways. With Liv she always says exactly what she means whereas with Annette you never know why she is saying something except usually it is not for the reason you think.

I have been talking to Liv about Annette a lot too, and told her about some of the weird things Annette does. Liv says behaviors like the ones Annette uses are emotionally explosive and abusers use them to keep the people they are abusing under control. At first I said this was ridiculous. How could Annette be abusing me? But Liv asked what would happen if I said to Annette, “I actually didn’t have very much fun at the party and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I know exactly what would happen. Annette would stop talking to me and she’d make all her friends stop talking to me, too, and I’d be friendless forever. Liv’s point with that was if you are really friends with someone, they would never turn on you like that just for expressing an opinion.

So then I got pretty sad about the whole Annette thing but Liv said life is full of people like Annette and it is not so hard to deal with them when you know who they are and what they are doing. She says she has a friend who is like this and she just makes sure to keep a certain amount of distance there but that doesn’t mean she can’t talk to her. She predicted that if I keep up with being just a little aloof with Annette, Annette will go find a new best friend pronto and I’ll be off the hook.

And this is what I mean about Liv. It’s like she can predict the future. When I got to lunch today there was a girl there who I had seen in a couple classes but never talked to. Annette was gushing all over her and introducing her to us and saying how she couldn’t believe we hadn’t all been friends earlier. I sat on the other side of the table, with Jackie and Courtney, and lunch was totally fine.

Trying to Start Fresh

I wanted to start April with a fresh slate because it is spring and everything and also it seems like life has just been complicated and not great lately. Everyone always says you can just let go of the past and start over, but I have been trying and it isn’t working mostly because I guess other people haven’t decided the same thing.

Annette is maybe the most confusing person ever. I was so worried about what was going to happen after the party but at least I thought one way or other the party would be done and either we’d still be friends or we wouldn’t be except that’s not how it worked. Instead it is still just party all the time except now she talks about how great it was. Which makes me feel like maybe we were at different parties somehow because in my opinion and from what I can tell how everyone else feels the party was fine but really nothing all that special. But listening to Annette talk about it you would think it won party of the year.

This whole week at school Annette is always there and always wanting to reminisce about this thing that happened or that thing that happened. I am seriously starting to get to the point where my favorite passing period is the one where I get to walk with Chad because of Chad of course but also because I just don’t have to talk to Annette. Also she wants to hang out all the time when we’re not at school. Today I finally told her my mom wouldn’t let me go over which wasn’t true but I had to do something!

***

It’s a lot later now. I was in the middle of writing this and the doorbell rang and for a minute I was afraid it was going to be Annette which I should have known better because she doesn’t drop by she always calls but still I was worried. Anyway it was Kyle and he had Gauge but also there was another dog who I didn’t know and the girl Kyle brought to the party and Kyle had Chloe too so it was a lot of dogs.

He asked if I wanted to walk so I went and he gave me Chloe. He introduced me to the girl whose name is Liv which must be short for something else I’m not sure. We walked over to a big park and let the dogs go and they ran around and I asked Liv some questions and she asked me questions and even though at first it was weird because I think she and Kyle are dating and Kyle used to have a crush on me and everything, after a while I realized Kyle was basically not talking at all but Liv and I weren’t having any trouble on our own. Anyway it was really fun and when we got back to my house Liv told me her instant messenger screen name. I don’t spend a lot of time on chats but then Kyle told me he’s on there sometimes too so I made a screen name just now which is hard because a lot of them are already take but its laraliscious it’s silly but I couldn’t think of anything.

Worst Date Ever

All weekend I was doing this thing where I would decide to call Chad and then I’d pick up the phone and suddenly I wouldn’t be able to dial his number. Or I’d dial all but one number and then hang up which is stupid but I did it over and over. My plan was to ask if he wanted to go see a movie I think movie means date no matter what. Well I guess it wouldn’t if you had a friend you already went to see movies with or if you were going with a group or something but in this case I think it would be a date for sure.

Finally in the middle of the day on Saturday I realized if I didn’t call him soon I would have to wait until next weekend and that would be days and days of torture so I called and he wasn’t home and then it was even worse because every time the phone rang I thought it was him but it wasn’t.

He didn’t call back until 5:30 and the movie I was going to invite him to see was at 5:50 so when he called I didn’t know if I should say something about the movie or just pretend I called to ask about homework or something. But then I thought about all the agony I went through calling him and decided I had to take my try. I told him about the movie and it seemed like he didn’t know what to say for a minute but then he said he was going to a party that night anyway but I could come to that with him if I wanted but I should tell my parents it was at the house of some kids who go to the college which means there might be alcohol.

I wasn’t really surprised because Chad has older brothers and also he is the type of person who gets along with people of all ages. I went and asked my mom and she got this really serious look and she said I could go because she knew how much Chad meant to me right now but I had to promise to be responsible. She said sometimes at these parties you might end up drinking alcohol without knowing you were drinking alcohol so if I started to feel sick or funny or anything don’t hesitate just call I wouldn’t be in trouble.

So by the time Chad picked me up I was nervous about being on a date with Chad but also about going to the party. But then we went and it was no big deal. It wasn’t that big like maybe 12 people and they were drinking beer but when they offered me one and I said no they didn’t keep asking and Chad said no too so that made it even easier. We stayed until late but not that late and then Chad drove me home and at my house he walked me to the door and on the porch he asked if I had a minute and I said I did and he sat down on this bench we have there and I did too and he was so nice about it and said he didn’t want to embarrass me and he likes me a lot and has come to value my friendship, but he just wanted me to know that he’s not looking for any kind of romantic involvement and doesn’t want me to start thinking of him in the wrong way. He was so nice about it that all I could say was that was fine of course and he hugged me goodbye and left and it wasn’t until I was in my room I realized he kind of broke up with me before we ever got to to the point of being together, which didn’t seem fair at all.

My only good news is today it was school again and even though I didn’t know what would happen when I saw Annette she ran over in the hall and gave me a big hug and said she missed me and told me all about her trip so I guess we’re still friends after all.